UofEh Joke List

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" height=90 style=" border-bottom: 1px solid #000000;" BGCOLOR="#990000" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FFCC00" FACE="Myriad Web Pro" ><B>4VRADVL's ASU Football Pages</B></FONT><B>    </B><B> |     </B><A HREF="index.shtml" TARGET="_top" TITLE="4VRADVLs ASU Football Pages"><B>home</B></A></div> <bR> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" height=390 BGCOLOR="#DDDDDD" TEXT="#080000"> <bR> <div> <B><U>Before you read the jokes, give the UofEh entrance exam a try!</U></B></div> <div> <B>(thanks to FillmoreDevil for sneaking it out of the UofEh admissions ofc and passing it along)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>University of Arizona Entrance Exam</B></div> <div>  </div> <div> Time Limit: Three Weeks**</div> <div>  </div> <div> 1.What language is spoken in France? </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 2.Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions</div> <div> -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 3.Would you ask William Shakespeare to: </div> <div> (a) build a bridge</div> <div> (b) sail the ocean</div> <div> (c) lead an army</div> <div> (d) WRITE A PLAY </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 4.What religion is the Pope? (check only one) </div> <div> (a) Jewish</div> <div> (b) Catholic</div> <div> (c) Hindu</div> <div> (d) Polish</div> <div> (e) Agnostic </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 5.Metric conversion. </div> <div> How many feet in 0.0 meters? </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 6.What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 7.How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 8.What are people in America's far north called? </div> <div> (a) Westerners</div> <div> (b) Southerners</div> <div> (c) Northerners </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 9.Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.</div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 10.Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.  Name the previous five. </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 11.Where does rain come from? </div> <div> (a) Macy's</div> <div> (b) 7-11</div> <div> (c) Canada</div> <div> (d) the sky </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 12.Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? </div> <div> (a) yes</div> <div> (b) no </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 13.What are coat hangers used for? </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 14.The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 15.Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 16.Where is the basement in a three story building located? </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 17.Which part of America produces the most oranges? </div> <div> (a) New York</div> <div> (b) Florida</div> <div> (c) Canada</div> <div> (d) Wisconsin </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 18.Advanced math: If you have three apples how many apples do you have? </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 19.What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? </div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> 20.The UofA tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? </div> <div> (a) B.C. </div> <div> (b) A.D. </div> <div> (c) still waiting </div> <div>  </div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>**You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>And now, on to...</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><U>THE LATEST AND GREATEST COLLECTION OF UofEH JOKES</U></B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>How do you get an UofA graduate off your porch?</B></div> <div> Pay him for the pizza.</div> <bR> <div> <B>The UofA football team was placed in a remedial English class.</B></div> <div> <B>"Because we are all new on campus we are going to start with the basics," the</B></div> <div> <B>professor explained. "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?"</B></div> <div> <B>All of the players raised their hands.</B> </div> <div> "The appeal!" They all shouted with pride.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Why do UofA students put their report cards in their car windows?</B></div> <div> So they can get the handicap spot.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Why doesn't UofA have ice on the sidelines?</B></div> <div> The guy with the recipe graduated.</div> <bR> <div> <B>What do U of A fans use for birth control?</B></div> <div> Their personalities.</div> <bR> <div> <B>What is the difference between a U of A jersey and an onion?</B></div> <div> No one cries when you cut up an U of A jersey.</div> <bR> <div> <B>What's the difference between a litter of puppies and UofA fans?</B></div> <div> Eventually puppies grow up and stop whining.</div> <bR> <div> <B>What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead U of A fan?</B></div> <div> Skid marks in front of the snake.</div> <bR> <div> <B>What does the average UofA football player get on his SAT's?</B></div> <div> Drool.</div> <bR> <div> <B>How many UofA freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?</B></div> <div> None.  It's a sophomore class.</div> <bR> <div> <B>A woman was walking through her new house with the contractor. As they</B></div> <div> <B>walked through rooms, she told him what color she wanted him to paint</B></div> <div> <B>each room. In the bedroom she said, "I think this would be nice in a</B></div> <div> <B>cream." The contractor stuck his head out of the window and yelled,</B></div> <div> <B>"GREEN SIDE UP!"</B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>This perplexed the woman. They moved to the living room and</B></div> <div> <B> she said, " I would love rose in this area." Again the contractor strolled</B></div> <div> <B>over to the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"</B></div> <div> <B>Again the woman was confused but did not say anything. As they</B></div> <div> <B>walked into the kitchen, she proudly announced that she wanted</B></div> <div> <B>this room to be "a glorious shade of mauve."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Once again the contractor went to the window and yelled,"GREEN SIDE UP!"</B></div> <div> <B>Finally she could not stand this </B><B>anymore. "What are you </B></div> <div> <B>shouting GREEN SIDE UP out very window of this house?</B></div> <div> He replied,"I'm sorry. I have a crew of UofA students laying sod across the street."</div> <bR> <div> <B>What do you call a person from UofA in a three piece suit?</B></div> <div> The defendant.</div> <bR> <div> <B>How do you ruin a UofEh tailgate party?</B></div> <div> Flush their punch bowl.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Two Wildrats were walking</B><B> on the beach. One says, "Ewww, look at that dead sea gull." </B></div> <div> The other looks up in the sky and says, "Where?"</div> <bR> <div> <B>Two University of Arizona fans were walking down the street when they came </B></div> <div> <B>upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do. </B></div> <div> <B>The first Arizona fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that." </B></div> <div> <B>The second Arizona fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it." </B></div> <div> <B>The first Arizona fan asks, "Why not?"</B></div> <div> The second Arizona fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."</div> <bR> <div> <B>What's the difference between an Arizona fan and a carp?</B></div> <div> One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs</B></div> <div> <B>that flipped over on the University of Arizona campus?</B></div> <div> The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Wildcat cheerleaders back on board.</div> <bR> <div> <B>The three finalists in the Women's Pac-10 swim meet were from ASU, Stanford and au.</B></div> <div> <B>All had excelled during the early going, and after several heats the score was tied;</B></div> <div> <B>the first match employing the breast stroke would decide the winner. The gun sounded,</B></div> <div> <B>and the three young women dove into the water. The ASU swimmer finished first,</B></div> <div> <B>crossing the pool in five seconds flat; The Stanford swimmer finished less than half</B></div> <div> <B>a second later. Bringing up the rear was the au swimmer who finished a full ten seconds</B></div> <div> <B>after the others. As she completed the lap and climbed from the pool, she sputtered,</B></div> <div> <B> "I protest! The other women were using their arms!" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?</B></div> <div> On the University of Arizona campus. That's the last place you would find a good football player.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Why doesn't Tucson have cockroaches?</B></div> <div> Because even a cockroach has an ounce of self-respect.</div> <bR> <div> <B>What's the difference between a UofA cheerleader and an elephant?</B></div> <div> About 10 pounds!</div> <bR> <div> <B>How can you balance out that difference?</B></div> <div> Force feed the elephant.</div> <bR> <div> <B>The night before the big game last year, Mike Stoops took the u of a football team</B></div> <div> <B>up to "A" mountain in Tuscum, in a feeble attempt to keep ASU fans from painting</B></div> <div> <B>their "A" Maroon and Gold.  As the Cats secured the area, Jessie Ainsworth came out from</B></div> <div> <B>the darkness, looked Stoops in the eye and said F-you Stoops, you and your team SUCKS! </B></div> <div> <B>Stoops got mad, turned red and started jumping around then he ordered the offense to</B></div> <div> <B>kick Ainsworth's butt.  About 30 seconds passed, Ainsworth came out again, looked Stoops in the eye</B></div> <div> <B>and said you and your team sucks!  Stoops, all red faced, slobbering and pissing all over himself,</B></div> <div> <B>orders the entire defensive unit into the desert after Ainsworth.  Another twenty seconds pass,</B></div> <div> <B> and Holmes comes crawling back and just before he passes out he says:</B></div> <div> <B> </B>Coach don't send anyone else, their punter is here too! </div> <bR> <div> <B>What should you do if you find a University of Arizona fan buried up to their neck in cement?</B></div> <div> Get more cement.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Arizona State grad, an Arizona grad,</B></div> <div> <B> an Oregon grad, and a USC grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all.</B></div> <div> <B>They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the USC grad</B></div> <div> <B> hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Trojans!" as he fell to his doom.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Not wanting to be outdone, the Oregon grad jumped off the side proclaiming, "This is for the Ducks!"</B></div> <bR> <div> Seeing this, the Arizona State grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Sun Devils!"</div> <div> and pushed the Wildcats fan off the side of the mountain.</div> <bR> <div> <B>A uofa chick checks herself in a window reflection and says</B></div> <div> <B>"I feel fat and ugly! Somebody pay me a compliment!" </B></div> <div> An ASU dude passing by responds, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect!"</div> <bR> <div> <B>A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Arizona joke?"</B></div> <div> <B>The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something.</B></div> <div> <B>I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am an Arizona grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225,</B></div> <div> <B>and he's an Arizona grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250,</B></div> <div> <B> and he's an Arizona grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"</B></div> <bR> <div> The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."</div> <bR> <div> <B>Tucson News Report: Football practice in Tucson was delayed on Monday for nearly</B></div> <div> <B>two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look</B></div> <div> <B>down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field.</B></div> <div> <B>The head coach, Mike Stoops, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.</B></div> <div> <B>After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players</B></div> <div> <B> was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team</B></div> <div> <B>would not be likely to encounter the substance again.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Arizona campus?</B></div> <div> A visitor.</div> <bR> <div> <B>An Arizona Wildcats fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat</B></div> <div> <B>to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?"</B></div> <div> The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."</div> <bR> <div> <B>It's being reported that Arizona head football coach Mike Stoops will only be dressing twenty players</B></div> <div> <B> for the Arizona State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Did you hear about the fire in University of Arizona's football dorm that destroyed over 20 books?</B></div> <div> The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Arizona weddings?</B></div> <div> To keep the flies off the bride.</div> <bR> <div> <B>A U of A fan is driving from Tucson to Tempe on I-10 W, and an ASU fan is driving</B></div> <div> <B>from Tempe to Tucson on I-10 E. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road,</B></div> <div> <B>they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The U of A fan</B></div> <div> <B>manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at the twisted car and says,</B></div> <div> <B>"Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the ASU fan scrambles out of his car</B></div> <div> <B> and looks at his wreckage. He says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The U of A fan walks over to the ASU fan and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God</B></div> <div> <B>that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The ASU fan thinks for a minute and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends.</B></div> <div> <B>Now, I am gonna see what else survived this wreck." So the ASU fan pops open his trunk and finds</B></div> <div> <B>a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the U of A fan, "I think this is another sign from God</B></div> <div> <B> that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The U of A fan says,</B></div> <div> <B> "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>After putting away nearly half the bottle, the U of A fan hands it back to the ASU fan and says, "Your Turn!"</B></div> <div> <B>The ASU fan twists the cap back on the bottle and says' "Nahhh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up..."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>What did the Arizona graduate say to the Arizona State graduate?</B></div> <div> "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"</div> <bR> <div> <B>One day in an elementary school in Tucson, AZ, a teacher asks her class if the Arizona Wildcats</B></div> <div> <B>are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"</B></div> <div> <B>Little Jimmy says, "The Arizona State Sun Devils."  The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Sun Devil fan, my mom is a Sun Devil fan,</B></div> <div> <B>so I guess that makes me a Sun Devil fan."  The teacher, angered by his reply, says,</B></div> <div> <B>"If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot, what would that make you?"</B></div> <div> Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me an Arizona fan."</div> <bR> <div> <B>An ASU fan was using the facilities at a ASU vs U of A football game. </B></div> <div> <B>Upon standing at the stall and finishing, he headed for the exit. </B></div> <div> <B>A U of A fan yells to him "at U of A we wash our hands after we piss." </B></div> <div> <B>The ASU fan yelled back, "at ASU we don't piss on our hands." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>What's the only sign of intelligent life in Tucson?</B></div> <div> Tempe - 117 Miles</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>GO DEVILS!  BEAT THE WILDRATS!</B></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>